Yep, it's porn.

Dave gives John the best birthday present since Earth’s apocalypse.

This is another submission, and it exemplifies perfectly why I need you guys to not be shy when it comes to sending me terrible stuff. This is something I would have never been able to find on my own, and it would be terrible if this had escaped my scope of vision.

I think fan fiction needs to be the kind of thing people need to have a license for, because some people are just fucking reckless with it. At least with role play logs you have the excuse of it all being done off the cuff, improvised with someone else, and for the most part not intended for an audience outside of the players. But people should have to sit down, take a class, and read a fucking textbook before they’re allowed anywhere near a fan fiction website.

Chapter 1: You Realize Other People Are Going To Read This Mess, Right?

I shouldn’t be complaining, because truly bad fanworks make my job a whole lot easier.

Your name is Dave Strider, and today is a special day. Not necessarily for you, but for your boyfriend: John Egbert. Today is his 21st birthday.

As it was stated earlier, today is his birthday, so it only makes sense that you would be having a party at your shared apartment- which you are. Your closest friends and family are all here, everyone from Aradia to Vriska.

Thank God for this writer. I almost forgot it was John’s birthday, but lucky for me they were gracious enough to reiterate literally the next sentence. They let a sentence go by without reminding me again, though, so hopefully they remember to mention this fact again next paragraph.

We get a namedrop for Aradia and Vriska, but they never come up in the story, the first note of a pattern of irrelevant bullshit that has no business being in the story. It’s another thing I really wish people would be more careful about. I know you want to make this a really good story and have everyone involved in some way and make sure everyone knows that yes, we’re dealing with Homestuck characters here, but if it’s not absolutely important to the point of the story, just fucking leave it out.

“Happy birthday fuckass,” Karkat states monotonously, handing John his present. Sollux stands behind him, hands in his pockets- gazing protectively over the smaller man.

Another thing we get to look forward to is a lot of lazy, uninspired use of adjectives and adverbs. There’s nothing wrong with trying to paint a picture of how everyone is behaving in the scene, but can’t you come up with something better than what is the equivalent of describing the sky as blue?

John smiles and steps out from under your arm to grab the bag and give Karkat a hug. “Thanks Karkat!” He and Karkat step off to the side to talk about something, while you and Sollux are left, awkwardly staring at each other.

He nods in greeting.

You nod in return.

After a minute or so of awkward silence (which you were both too stubborn to break before), you let out a dramatic sigh. “So Captor.”

“Thtrider,” he replies. You look up (just barely though- you two are about the same size) and glower at his growing smirk.

“You still helping?”

“Ha!” he laughs, trying and failing to pass it off as a cough. “Fuck yeah. Didn’t think you had it in you.”

“Shut the fuck up,” you say, intensifying your glare ten times over.

Now, when I say to omit otiose segments for the sake of brevity, I don’t just mean “don’t tell us what John and Karkat are talking about if it’s not important.” This hidden conversation never comes back up, which is another hint that it SHOULDN’T EVEN BE TAKING PLACE. The only purpose it serves is to give Sollux and Dave alone time, in which case you could just as easily have them be the ones who head off to talk instead, since we see they have something to talk about. That still isn’t better though because, as you’ll see, Sollux’s role in this fic is completely vestigial, which is true to canon I guess (oh no I didn’t).

Again, this writer really likes driving a point into the ground. It’s not enough to just show these guys awkwardly, silently nodding their heads to each other, we have to have it spelled out to us that there’s an awkward silence here, and they don’t feel like saying anything. That is, until they start doing the whole condescending calling-each-other-by-their-last-names routine, complete with spelling out Sollux’s lisp (please, please do not do this people). Also, why deliberately point out that Dave is “just barely” looking up when you immediately point out they’re basically the same size? WHAT. IS. THE POINT.

A little while later, after the customary Batter Witch cake is passed out to everyone, you find yourself leaning against the back of John’s chair watching, along with everyone else, John open a few of his presents.

He grabs a medium sized bag, decorated with cats… And you both know who it’s from in a snap.

John glances at Nepeta, who bounds over, landing in front of him with an impossibly large grin. “I hope you like it John! It was really hard finding those in the exact colors… But once I did, they were purr-fect!

You see John look at her confusedly, but when he pulls the package out of the box, you can clearly see a blush spread across his face.

Ears. And dildo tails. She got him black bunny ears with a matching dildo tail… And platinum blonde cat ears with their own matching dildo tail.

“N-Nepeta?” he stutters, hastily putting the present in its bag.

She smiles on and pats his head, “I know you’re going to like it~”

The rest of the present-opening more or less goes the same way. Other than when Kanaya gave him some hand-made clothes to go with Rose’s hand-knitted scarf, most all of everyone’s presents are sex related. You had to keep yourself from punching Eridan when John opened his present and got a large spiked purple glass dildo- but were happy when Terezi’s present was special gourmet strawberry lube. You were impassive when Jake and your bro threw a bag full of edible underwear, condoms, and a pair of handcuffs at you two.

You wonder if they got together or something and planned this out. Fuck, knowing them all, they probably did.

It’s at this point that I start asking myself what I’ve gotten myself into, because there’s just so much shit going wrong here it’s smothering me.

For one, there’s the referring to the cake as a batterwitch cake, which is leaving a bruise with all the elbow nudging the author is handing me. “Eh? Get it? Because it’s Homestuck!” I also feel like they’re nudging me just as hard with all of these sex toy presents, as if to remind us, hey! This is a smut fic! There’s going to be sex!

Who the fuck gets someone shit like this for their birthday? I’m not going to pretend that there aren’t probably parties where everyone gets someone sex toys as presents and that’s like, the whole shtick of the party. But neither John nor Dave are in on it, so it’s just a really fucking insane way for anyone to behave at a party. Don’t you love when your friends pelt you with edible underwear and condoms? Dave’s got a point, it really does seem like they all planned this out beforehand, except that Rose and Kanaya’s gifts didn’t play into that idea, so there goes that.

And what the fuck makes strawberry lube “gourmet”? Is there some Italian chef in a toque slaving away over the perfect recipe for flavored lubes? Why strawberry, and not cherry, which is Terezi’s favorite flavor? The sad part is, the gourmet lube is the only part of this entire scene that has any point in existing. Everything else? Completely worthless.

A few hours later, the party starts winding down. But before too many people leave, you pull away from John, telling him you would be back in a little while. On your way upstairs, you grab Terezi’s present- you would need this.

You signal Sollux, who quickly does the same with Karkat.

Within a few minutes, you are down to your boxers, fiddling with a few things, and setting up the stuff on the bedside table for easy access.

Sollux watches you amusedly, chuckling every once in a while when you shoot him an irritated glance.

Once everything is perfectly arranged on the bedside, you turn to face him. “Uhh, can you..?”

He smirks and steps forward, “Theriously didn’t think you had it in you, Thtrider.”

“Shut up Tholluckth.” you glare at him before taking the handcuffs and clipping them onto one of your wrists. Before doing the same with your other hand, you slip off your boxers and climb onto the bed, putting a pillow on your lap and raising your arms above your head.

“Nice junk,” Sollux says with a smirk as he leans over you, looping the chain around your headboard (you knew it was a good idea to go with the headboard with a grid design instead of just a flat board) and clicking the other cuff onto your wrist a little too tightly.

“Fuck you- hey! Not so tight.”

He rolls his eyes once more but doesn’t loosen the cuffs. He actually tightens the other one, that bastard.

“John’s one lucky guy,” he says sarcastically, sliding down your body.

The dialog in this is so painful it should be against the Geneva Convention. It’s like they just amputate all of the charm and character of these guys and replace it with generic mordant shit that leaves Sollux and Dave’s lines completely indistinguishable from each other. All Sollux has going for him is his lisp, which he even forgets he has occasionally.

Also, keep the saucy description of “sliding down” bodies for the actual sex scene, buster.

Normally this would be an awkward moment… Not really. You and Captor have been frenemies for as long as you can remember, and there is absolutely nothing you want to change about that. You and him come to each other for comfort, advice, and help- even the kind of help where one one of you is naked on a bed and the other is… Currently looking for something under the bed.

I will never quite understand why it’s so unanimous among fan works that Sollux and Dave apparently are pretty acerbic with each other? Even before they met for the first time on the meteor (during which time they never spoke a word to each other), this was pretty prevalent. Do they think it’s in character? Hell, Dave isn’t even really actively bitter towards Karkat, mostly just considering him a minor nuisance. But that ain’t how it works in fanworld. Dave and Sollux = sour, angry dudes, FOREVER.

You roll your eyes at his plight. “It’s in the closet.”

He nods once before stepping off the bed and into the closet- coming out with a long pipe-looking thing with circles at either end. “Damn, kinky much?”

“You know it,” is your only reply before he settles himself by your feet, fastening one of the harnesses around your lower thigh a little too tight. He repeat the act with your other leg and smirks, sliding completely off the bed.

He looks over you: shades ever present, but arms restrained, legs spread wide also restrained, and despite it being covered- he knows exactly what’s going on under that pillow on your lap.

“It’th getting quiet.. I think John and KK are the only oneth left.”

You nod in response as he opens the door and steps into the hallway. “Have fun,” he says with a wink.

Let me point out this is basically Sollux’s entire role in the fic. He puts on some restraints on Dave’s legs, and loops handcuffs around a headboard. Dave could have done this himself just fine, and it would have eliminated a whole lot of pointless, awkward dialog. The author deliberately points out before the fic starts that they can’t write Dave or Sollux well, so why force yourself when it isn’t even necessary to the story?

Whatever, time for a perspective shift!

Your name is John Egbert you are worried. Your boyfriend Dave said he would be back in a little while after he disappeared, but it’s been a half hour! That just couldn’t be good…

But Dave aside, it is currently your 21st birthday! Most people have gone home already, so now it’s just you, Karkat, a drunk Roxy and Jane, Jade, Jake and Dirk. Oh wait- here comes Sollux!

You don’t notice it, but his face drops when he sees the others. He pulls Karkat up and takes his seat, pulling the slightly smaller man into his lap.

“Have you seen Dave?” you ask.

Sollux shakes his head.

“Oh, okay..” and you resume your conversation with the others.

It’s not long though, before you all find yourselves yawning.

“Thhit,” Sollux says, “We’re getting old. It’th only ten.”

You smile, “Haha, I guess!”

Jake stands up yawning, and Dirk follows. “Sorry cousin, we have got to take our leave. ‘Till next time! Tally ho ‘Luv.” he grabs Dirk’s hand and starts for the door. You quickly follow them, and wave goodbye, closing the door behind their quickly retreating figures.

Look, if you’re going to write from a second person perspective, you gotta commit to it. This stuff like pointing out what John doesn’t notice would be peaches if you were writing in third person, but why are you telling the reader what they don’t notice, like Sollux? Especially when it’s so inconsequential.

Ye find yeself in yon dungeon. Ye see a SCROLL. Behind ye scroll is a FLASK. Ye do not notice the ANTS scurrying around ye feet.

So they get tired even though it’s only ten, which again is a completely insignificant detail (but hey we’re no strangers to those), and we meet a Jake so hilariously bad that I wish it were an intentional parody of people who can’t write Jake well. Is he calling John his cousin in a literal sense, and this is supposed to be an AU where that’s their relationship? Or was it supposed to be slang that no one, not even Jake, ever uses, ever? What is the apostrophe supposed to be substituting in “‘Luv”? Why is this writing so bad?

Back in your living room area (really just a few steps away from the front door), Jade is bent over Jane and Roxy’s sleeping figures, poking their cheeks. “Wow! These two are really out of it, aren’t they!”

You laugh, “Yeah. They are. The other room is free, so they could take that one…”

Again, you don’t notice Sollux’s look- Jade shares it with him this time. If you saw it, you would most definitely be suspicious.. But it has been stated you did not notice it.

“Oh, no!” Jade jumps up suddenly, “I’ll drive them home!” she practically shouts. “Uhh, I’ll need help with getting them into my car though…”

Sollux swiftly slides Karkat off of him and stands up, “We’ll help.”

Somewhere in the back of your mind you’re a little curious as to why he’s so eager to help.

Shrugging it off, you agree, and soon the girls are in Jade’s back seat.

This author just loves using parentheses to give us completely worthless details. In fact the vast majority of this story has been worthless details. And that third paragraph is such a fucking mess, hitting us not just with stuff we, the reader, are not noticing, but also repeating that we don’t notice it. But, you know, if we DID notice it? Things around here would be different. We’d be all SUSPICIOUS.

Can you name anything that is taking place this entire scene that needs to be here? Because I can’t. This is the part where “realistic” writing and “good” writing need a sharp distinction. Is it realistic for all this stuff to happen at a party? Sure, I suppose it’s possible to drag passed out people into your car and drive them home safely, after the party host offers to let them stay in the guest bedroom, but who fucking gives a shit about any of that?

You head back to your apartment after waving goodbye to the others and are about to close the door… But before you can do so, a foot in the door jam stops you.

You look up surprised, and find Sollux.

You look up at him with a slightly confused expression. “Umm, did you forget something?”

He shares his head and reaches into his jacket pocket, pulling out a small, slim box. With a smirk he hands it to you, “Open it now, Egbert.”

Your confused look definitely does not go away as you pull at the ribbon and open the package. Inside is a small remote with. It has a little slider with the settings ‘Off’, ‘Low’, ‘Med.’ and ‘High’. You look back up at Sollux, but he’s already gone.

You tentatively take the remote out of the box, and reveal a folded up piece of paper with yellow writing that you recognize as Sollux’s.

‘Turn me up two mediium once you get out2iide your door and let the fun commence.’

You shrug it off, slipping the remote into your pocket and finally close the door to head upstairs, loosening the tie around your neck. Now that everyone is gone, you suddenly feel very awkward all alone in the apartment. You once again wonder where Dave is.

Sollux is apparently a fucking ninja because he’s able to both stop John from closing his door and leave from standing right next to him without being noticed either time. That’s impressive. I guess it’s one of the skills you’re expected to learn, being a secret agent like he obviously is, all handing packages to people with ominous instructions and then vanishing.

Why the fuck is John wearing a tie? Is this a formal party? Is everyone wearing suits and dresses while they bombard John with sex toys?

When you arrive at the top hallway, you take the remote and note out. Following its directions, once you’re outside the bedroom door you slide the little switch up all the way to medium.

You look behind you and on either side- as if something would happen suddenly when you flipped the switch. After a few seconds, you figure that nothing is going to happen.

As you put a hand on the doorknob though, something makes you stop. ‘Was that… Was that a moan?’

You quickly turn the knob and burst into the room. “Wha-“

Dave.

Dave naked.

Dave naked in your bed.

Dave naked in your bed with handcuffs. And a spreader bar. And rope.

Moaning.

Gosh, have your knees always been this weak? Because you suddenly feel very faint…

What the fistfull of fresh-picked springtime fuck can I even say?

I love how we have to point out John’s sliding this “all the way” to medium, as though medium is such an impressive setting. I mean, damn, dude’s fucking hardcore turning this shit up that high!

I’m wondering if this has to be the first time they’ve ever done anything sexual, since he’s about ready to pass out. This seems like a really weird way to start your first time, but then again we just got done with a dildo party so who fucking knows. Gotta love that profligate reveal of Dave’s surprise, even though from our perspective it’s not a surprise at all and it’s just wasting a lot of time telling us stuff we already know. Just another pitfall of sloppy handling of alternating perspective.

I’d also like to point out this is the first and last time the rope is ever mentioned throughout the entire fic. The pillow that was on his lap also seems to have done a vanishing act.

“Sup?” he asks with a slightly shaky voice.

When you don’t respond, he repeats himself. “John, bro don’t faint on me man. It’ll just put us in one hell of a sticky situation if someone finds you out cold and me… Like this.”

You stare at him blankly, taking one step closer to the bed. “Uhh.. Is there something I missed?”

He shakes his head, “Depends.”

What is Dave repeating? He isn’t repeating his words nor his message when he “repeats” himself. And who the hell is going to find them? Didn’t Dave and Sollux’s plan hinge on everyone else going home first?

And Dave says it “depends” whether or not he missed something, but he never states what it depends on. This dialog, man. This fucking dialog.

You finally find yourself at his bedside and take a seat, “You did this for me?”

He nods, “Any way you want it, babe.”

You suddenly blush and lean forward to kiss him, arms wrapping around his waist. He reciprocates it enthusiastically, moaning and thrusting lightly into the air.

You pull back, slightly smirking at his sudden neediness. “A little enthusiastic, are we?”

Now it’s his turn to blush. “I-If you’re gonna tease me, at least turn the damn thing down!” he shouts with a glare.

“Any way you want it, babe.”

Please let this be a nightmare for me to wake up from soon because reality would never allow something like this to happen, right? Come on, John went from almost fainting to acting all devious and conniving with no fucking pause in between! No one would actually sit at their computer, and with sound mind, put these words upon their screen and think it’s a good thing to write, would they? It’s just not possible.

You feel your prankster’s gambit rising a few levels, “What are you talking about?” you ask with an impossibly innocent tone. “Could it be…” you drag a hand over his abdomen and hips, going down to his thigh and bringing it back up to his inner thigh at an excruciatingly slow pace.

He lets out a groan filled with want and frustration, visibly restraining himself from thrusting up into your hand.

You trail nimble fingers, trained from years of piano lessons, to the base of his cock, and wrap them around him. You slowly pump him, up and down, up and down, a little higher each time before you reach an obstruction. “Oh my, Mister Strider,” you say teasingly, taking your hand away and throwing the pillow elsewhere. “This such a perverted little toy! I didn’t think you were one to use these.”

You smirk at his whines, growing needier with each passing minute.

You bring our hand back to his shaft, pumping faster and faster until he’s practically squirming under you.

“F-Fuck- I wanna-“

But before he finishes the sentence, you pull your hand away and slip off the bed.

Maybe you were a bit of a tease when you got your way.

…

Maybe you were a big tease when you got your way.

More obtuse references to the comic, and I don’t even think this would qualify as a prank.

Is it so hard to just fucking read and absorb characters’ in-comic dialog to get an understanding of how they speak? John sounds like some kind of cliche sexy librarian cutout, and Dave is acting all pissed off about John taking advantage of the SCENARIO HE FUCKING PUT HIMSELF IN. Why are you acting so surprised and frustrated when he’s doing exactly what you should expect someone to do when you try to present yourself in a sexy situation like this?

Also, we’re never really told what this toy is supposed to be. It’s pretty obviously a vibrating cock ring, but I don’t see why they’re being so shy about just saying what it is. It’s not like there’s anything about this fic that’s subtle that you need to keep face for.

Dave opens his mouth to protest, but you pap him on the forehead, “Shoosh.” You quickly pull off his glasses, and slip off your tie, wrapping it around his eyes, tugging it lightly to tighten it. “Any way I want it?”

He nods.

“Well then…” you straighten up and quickly unbutton your shirt and trousers, stepping out of both- leaving you in a pair of Slime Ghost boxers.

You climb back onto the bed, settling yourself inbetween his legs. Reaching towards the bedside table, you grab the lube. You open up the small container and spread a bit on your fingers. You spread it around a bit and lick your fingers. Smirking, you bring them up to Dave’s lips. His face contorts into a grimace once the stench of strawberries and latex reaches him. You pout just a little bit, “Aww Dave!’ you half-whine. “It smells so yummy! How could you not like it?”

You can’t really tell, but you just know that he’s rolling his eyes under the makeshift blindfold.

“Anyways…” You quickly slide the vibrator to a lower setting and scoot a little further down his legs. After settling yourself, you put your lube-free hand on one of his thighs, leaning forward slightly. “Yum!” you practically shout with glee, “Dave and strawberries? My favorite treat~!”

I don’t know what’s worse: the shoosh-pap joke, or John having green slime ghost boxers.

Now, what really throws me off is the lube smelling partially like latex. For one, I don’t think there’s such thing as a latex-based lube. Silicon? Yeah, ok, I can buy that. But not latex. And even if it was, this is a flavored lube we’re dealing with here. It’s meant for ingestion. It would obviously be water-based. COME ON, JEEZ, GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME.

You should also really read over your sexy talk before you publish it and ask yourself if this is something you want actual, living, breathing people with friends, family, and loved ones subjecting themselves to when they read your story.

So John starts sucking Dave’s cock, and for some reason describes his urethra as a slit, which I always thought was specifically reserved for reference to female anatomy, but I guess not. Pretty boring, talks about it tasting like “Dave and strawberries.”

You slowly come back up, licking up his shaft and leaving behind an impressive trail of lubrication and your own saliva. You stop as you reach the frenulum. Your tongue darts out to tease the area, and this time- he actually does moan.

The sound comes from deep within him, sounding like a cross between a moan and a groan, with distinctive properties of some sort of growl. Either way, the sound instantaneously travels south and lands in your boxers. Your own member twitches slightly in response. You continue to tease Dave, mouth focusing on his head and frenulum, while the hand that isn’t keeping you steady, travels up and down his length with varying levels of pressure to keep him on his toes.

Dave lets out loud moans, very pleasing to the ears as he bucks up into your hand and mouth. Chancing a glance up at him, you notice with his clenched jaw that he is exerting quite a bit of effort not to just fuck your mouth. ‘He’s getting close,’ you think.

With one slow lick across his head (as well as a gratitutious suck), you pull away with a pop.

If there’s anything that has no place in something that’s trying to sound sexy, it’s clinical words like “frenulum.” That, and making sounds like a suction cup being pulled off a window when you pry yourself a way from a dick.

I don’t know what kind of fucking noise Dave is making. A cross between a moan and a groan? Aren’t those basically the same thing? Even if we can start breaking down the distinctive auditory signatures of these two lazy vocalizations, is there really any point in describing a sound as a mix between the two? And what the fuck is that growl doing there? You even say he moans elsewhere! Just stick with that, why overcomplicate things (aside from the fact that, apparently, this special combination of sounds results in the legendary boner-note)?

You slide completely off of Dave and sit on a part of the bed that is unoccupied. You quickly rip off your boxers in an almost cartoony fashion, and crawl back to your previous position perched on his thighs.

You grab for the lube and spread a generous amount on your fingers, spreading it and warming it at the same time. Once the deed is done though, you waste no time in preparing yourself.

Your slicked up middle finger makes its way down your side, and you shiver slightly at the trail it leaves, cooling instantly night air. It goes down the crevice at the small of your back and continues its journey. Once it reaches your entrance, it circles twice before pushing in.

Despite knowing exactly what was going to happen, and /when/ it was going to happen, you can’t help but let out a small gasp as you tell yourself to loosen up.

You feel Dave moving under you, so you take the remote (discarded somewhere thankfully nearby) and turn it back up to medium.

There. That’ll keep him distracted for a while.

You force yourself to relax as you push the finger a little deeper into you. Once it’s fully sheathed, you move it in and out at a slow pace, gaining speed with every thrust. Soon, just one finger isn’t enough. You add a second, and the added girth, along with the ability to scissor your fingers the slightest bit as you prepare yourself is almost enough to make you cum. But no, you hold back. You still have a bit of work to do.

You add a third finger in, and that’s where the slightly-uncomfortable-sensation-but-still-pleasurable feeling turns intoreallyuncomfortable, and a little less pleasurable.

You let out a little whimper as you squirm in discomfort. But you stifle any other reaction as you poke and prod around inside of yourself, searching for that one area that, if you hit it at just the right angle would- “A-Ah!”

John says he grabs the remote and makes sure to turn it back up to medium, but… I don’t think it was ever really stated that he turned it off from medium? Dave asked him to turn it off, but John just played coy the entire time.

Well, if nothing else, we can walk away from this fic knowing full-well that John’s limit is three fingers in his butthole. I hear trained professionals can stretch their sphincter to a four-inch diameter, but I think that’s expecting a bit too much from the poor lad.

I’m going to assume the “one area” he’s trying to reach is his prostate, in which case I don’t think he’s in the right position for it. Given its location I’m pretty sure it’d be most idoneous to go down from the front instead of reaching behind your back, so your finger can curl and reach it. That’s just my thought. Like I’ve said before, I’m not a connoisseur of sodomy, so maybe I’m just talking out of my uninvaded ass here. Hopefully a real actual gay dude will help set the record straight for me some day.

You rub against the area once more, sending sparks up pleasure up your spine and to the tip of your cock. One part of you tells you that you’re plenty ready for Dave- or as ready as you’ll ever be.. But the other is more reluctant about pulling your fingers out.

You listen to that second voice and tease that spot, rubbing against it with the pads of your fingers, sending prickly brusts to the tip of your member, and you allow yourself to ride out the increasingly intense waves of pleasure, moaning freely now. But before you let yourself topple over the edge, you hesitantly pull your fingers out.

Taking a moment to collect yourself, you situate yourself on Dave’s lap. Here, you can see that he’s biting his lip, quite hard. Such a sweetie! He doesn’t want to cum yet.

You cup his cheek and lick his slightly swollen lip, taking it between yours and sucking on it gently. You pull him into a deep, languid kiss. He moans suddenly, and you take that moment to slip your tongue into his mouth. It doesn’t take long to coax him into playing along too, and soon- you two are locked in a battle for dominance. Despite his position though, Dave definitely doesn’t give up easy, and you find yourself giving in to the sweet sensations of his tongue against yours.

Is John cupping his face with his asshand? God, if Dave thought it smelled bad when it was just strawberry and latex, I can’t imagine the grimace growing on his face when it’s combined with butt-stench. John didn’t even have time to enema himself beforehand.

I’m not too sure how much of a “battle for dominance” this is when one of you willingly and deliberately tied yourself down and gave the other a literal remote control to his advantage.

“Mmm, Dave..” you sigh as you two momentarily separate for air.

As he plunges his tongue back into your mouth, you trail your hand down his lithe torso, lean muscles clenching beneath your fingers.

You continue down until you reach that area between you. Firmly grasping your members, you buck up, creating the sweet friction you both were so desperately seeking.

You hear a choked gasp as Dave pulls away, and you shoot him a strained smile. “E-Egb-bert-!” he stutters. “I don’t think I’m gonna last much long-ger l-like th-this.”

You pause in your actions and lean in, placing a chaste kiss on his lips. “Whatever you say~”

As you pull away though, he mumbles something.

“Hm?”

“I said I wanted to see you..”

So many poor word choices here jesus fuck. Plunges? Is that really the kind of word we’re going to use to describe someone tongue kissing? Chaste kisses, at that. I get what you’re going for, but you really have no business using the word “chaste” in this scene, ficauthor.

I spent like three minutes trying to say “E-Egb-bert” out loud and no matter what I just can’t get it to sound like a natural string of syllables someone would make come out of their mouth under any circumstance.

Your heart flutters at his request, and you feel a blush bloom on your already heated face. You nod, and lean forward, slipping your tie up and over his head.

He opens his eyes tentatively, blinking once or twice before looking up at you. “H-Hey.”

“Hey yourself,” you reply, leaning in to brush your nose up against his. At such close quarters, you see that his usually bright red irises are clouded over and darkened with lust. “You know, I always forget to tell you how much I love your eyes,” you murmur against his lips.

“Oh shut up and get on with it. Can’t you see that I have a raging boner here?”

I fucking love the sudden whiplash of all this cheesy fucking mushy stuff like hearts all aflutter and awkward “hey’s” and talking about lovely eyes suddenly crashed by “OH MY GOD MY BONER IS SCREAMING AT ME!”

You smile widely, and sit back on his thighs. You grab the lube and squeeze out a liberal amount onto your hand. You reach down and further lubricate his member adding onto what was already there.

You get back on your knees and scoot up further on Dave’s lap. You take his member and stand it up; you position yourself above it, and kiss his nose before pushing down.

As he breaches your tight ring of muscles, you let out a hiss of pain. Dave leans forward as best as he could and latches himself onto one of the pert nubs on your chest. “Ah-Dave!” In surprise, you drop a little lower, until you’ve taken almost half of him in.

It’s an interesting sensation when you feel the vibrator at your entrance, but it’s a good kind of interesting. Once you get it fully inside though, the semsations surge through your body in tremors, making it that much easier to relax. The rest of Dave’s length slips in relatively easily.

You wrap your arms and legs around him- not unlike a koala, and bury your face into the the crook of his neck, biting down on the freckle marred skin. You let out a sound somewhere in between a moan and a whimper, nuzzling into Dave.

You stay like that for a moment, letting yourself get used to the sensation. You bring your head out from its place and sit up to see Dave unclenching his eyes and biting down on his lip.

“Ready?”

So… John just kissed Dave’s nose as he’s forcing his dick into his butt, and then Dave manages to reach up and suck on John’s nipples? I’m having a hard time seeing this work in my mind. I’d draw out the scene on paper to get a better idea of the workings, but I think when people start contemplating drawing the scene out to make sense of your sex scene, you officially lose at writing sex. It doesn’t help when you start evoking imagery of cute cuddly koalas in your gay porn. Why would you do that? Why would you throw a fluffy little marsupial into this messy slurry of straberry butt-fingers and vibrating cockrings like that? Do you think the koala wants anything to do with it?

He nods entheusiastically.

You smile, kissing him chastely on the lips before putting your hands on his shoulders, using them as leverage as you slowly raise yourself up.

You start off at a slower pace than usual, but with the added sensation of the buzzing toy, you quickly pick up the pace.

You grope around for the long forgotten remote to the vibrator. Once in hand, you hastily slide it up to the highest setting. The two of you moan in usion, and Dave thrusts up as best as he can into you; not necessarily aiming for a certain area, but he certainly brushes up against that spot that causes you to arch your back and scream his name. “Dave! R-Right there! Again!”

He grunts and tries the best to his ability to replicate the thrust.. And he is definitely successful.

You quicken the pace as you take a hand off of Dave’s shoulder and bring it down to your neglected cock; you pump in time with his thrusts and it’s not long until you /both/ are screaming again.

“S-Shit John, you’re so tight,” Dave hisses into your collarbone. He bites down hard and you gasp.

“O-Oh Dave! I’m- I’m gonna c-c- Aah!” your back arches and you flick your wrist once more before your eyes clamp shut and you see white, faintly registering something sticky splatter on your chest.

More of this chaste bullshit. You two are having full-on buttsex right now. You have relinquished your right to use words like that entirely for this fic.

Man, John can’t last at all, can he? He wasn’t even jerking off for two paragraphs before he spurts off all over himself. Meanwhile, Dave’s been having his cock buzzed, sucked, jerked, and engulfed and STILL hasn’t lost himself yet. What a pro.

They keep ditching this remote and then grabbing it again later. Just make up your fucking mind what setting you want it on instead of repeating yourself every few paragraphs oh who am I kidding you don’t need a remote to do that.

You continue on, albiet at a gradually slowing pace until you feel him tense up. “E-Egbert,” he barely manages to choke out.

You slide completely off of him with a slight squelch and make your way down to his shins again. With slightly shaky hands, you grab him and start pumping at a fast pace. You bring your face down and kiss his engorged head, licking up the precum that leaked out in a steady stream. “Come on Dave,” you whisper huskily. “I want you tobegfor it.”

He bucks up into your hand, struggling against his bindings. “A-Ah! Come on John- don’t make me-“

You smirk just the slightest bit. You could hear his old Texan accent coming out. He never ever let it slip unless he was totally unraveled. Despite what his mouth was saying, he might as well have been putty in your hands.

“Mmm, are you sure about that? I might just get upset and leave you here.” and to emphasize your point, you slow your hand and pull away slightly.

“No!” he shouts. “P-Please! I wanna-“

“You wanna…?” you urge with a slow lick up his shaft.

“I wanna cum!” he definitely shouts this time, as he thrusts up into your hand.

Is there any universe where the onomatopoeia “squelch” is a sexy thing to say? Really onomatopoeia in general should just be kept out of sex scenes entirely. The soundtrack of sex is not a pleasant one.

John’s sure eager to start lapping all over Dave’s shit-coated strawberry cock, and Dave’s really into it, so much so that he starts slipping into a Texan accent, which, growing up in Houston, he probably wouldn’t even have in the first place. John must give really good, dialect-altering head, which just makes it even more impressive that Dave’s kept his composure this entire time.

You smirk and pick up the pace, using one hand to pump him, and the other going to slide the rubber ring over his head. You lick around his frenulum and you suddenly take his head into your mouth with a suck.

This sends him flying over the edge.

He grunts and you pull away, letting it splatter all over your face and hair but continue your hand movements; determined to milk him of every last drop of release.

He whips his head back and forth, biting down on his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. “J-John!” he chokes out as he bucks up one last time.

You pull your hand away and bring it to your face, swiping up some of the liquid and bringing it to your mouth. You suck on it like the best candy you’ve ever tasted, and you beam wide at him. “Yum~!”

Dave rolls his eyes and breathes deep, trying to catch his breath. “Has anyone told you how big of a tease you are?”

You giggle and lean over him to unlock the handcuffs, finally releasing his arms. “Oh, maybe once or twice..”

I swear every time I take a pause from reading this long enough to write something about it, I forget just how bad the dialog is. Don’t get me wrong, the rest is bad too, but the dialog is just so wretchedly bland it’s like weaponized boring.

More frenulum talk, I’m surprised he didn’t start referring to Dave’s junk as scrotum, testicles, phallus, etc. Speaking of poor word choice, I’m trying to decide if the author is intentionally trying to make us think of shitty pop songs. Earlier they were dangerously close to Journey’s “Any Way You Want It,” and I’m having a hard time believing Dave isn’t referencing “Whip My Hair”.

How fucking hard do you have to be biting your lip to make it bleed? Your teeth aren’t even that sharp.

And where the fuck did John find the key to the handcuffs?

He sits up and rubs at his chafed wrists as you reach behind you to release his legs. Once you’re done, he wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you closer, ignoring the sticky feeling on your chests. “Fuckin’ tortured me man.”

You giggle and kiss him, once again latching onto his abused bottom lip. “I guess I’ll just have to make it up to you on your birthday, huh?”

He chuckles and slides down to lay on the bed, taking you with him. “Definitely.”

You can’t help but giggle a bit, already shaking with anticipation. You nod and rub your noses together in an eskimo kiss. “That was fun,” you say with a contented sigh.

“Y’ got that right.”

“Pff, your Texas is showing, Dave.”

He hums and knocks your foreheads together.

You wrap one arm around his neck and reach the other one to tangle with his fingers. “You okay?”

He chuckles again and grips your hand a little tighter. He brings it up and kisses your knuckles. “‘M better than okay. I got you, right?”

You squeal and pull him closer. He does the same- minus the squealing. You two lay there listening to your synchronised breathing; arms, fingers and legs entangled comfortably.

“Hey, John?” he says as you’re just about to drift off in sleep.

“Mm?”

“Happy birthday.”

You smile and nuzzle even closer to him, burying your face in his chest. “Thanks.” You pause before continuing, “I love you Dave..”

He tightens his grip on your waist and kisses the top of your head. He inhales loudly and murmurs, “I love you too, John. I love you too.”

I think there needs to be a sex scene bingo, with the free space being it ending with the two of them saying they love each other, or something equally trite. Really, this ends on a triple whammy: asking each other if they’re all right, the “I love you” thing, and thanks to the specific setting, we even get a “happy birthday.” Wow, this sure is ending with a lot of love! Can you tell these guys are in love and really care about each other? That’s why they’re saying all this vapid, mushy bullshit just before the scene fades to black and the canned audience says “awwww.”

“I love you too, John. I love you too.” WHO THINKS IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO TYPE OUT THIS SENTENCE IN EARNEST?

It’s a sad day when the best thing to happen to this smutfic is awkward, cliche gaybones, since it at least distracts the author from throwing in a bunch of unnecessary details into the story just to pad it out.